The way you love me

It’s 6 pm on a calm Friday afternoon, and I am sitting in your office chair, glaring at the dazzling sky through the window and thinking about the universe. I took a small glimpse of your dark green eyes, sparkling in the orange sunlight, only to immediately go back to smoking my half-lit cigarette.

I crack the window to let this breath-taking dark purple color the sky has now received right after the sunset, get in. And I can only think to myself:

You have made me so happy in the short time we’ve shared together so far. You make my head melt out of excitement, and my heart truly skips a beat when you’re around. I sometimes even wish I could draw as beautifully as you, only so that I’d be able to show you in an animated form just what you do to my body. I’m sorry I get too mellow and melancholic at times, it just that I’m not used to being loved. You just took me into your arms, and since then, all I can think about is how much I don’t want you to let go.

You know, that my life had reached a certain point where the sadness had overtaken me so much, screwed me up so badly, that I wasn’t even able to find joy in anything anymore. If only you knew how you took away my sorrow. You dragged me out of the messy piles of shit I was constantly finding myself in and showed that I don’t have to feel as broken anymore. You brightened my entire universe with the warmth of your presence. Almost like you trained my heart to open up. And I will never be able to thank you enough for making me feel again. Just so you know, I never even had to try. I tore my soul open in front of you, only with the pure hope that you wouldn’t be scared and walk away.

You are so disturbingly complicated, yet uniquely simple. You are poetry. Almost like a poem, I cannot write and still include every detail I would have wanted to. When your lips touched mine, it’s like you’ve been living in my head ever since. I sometimes dream of us living in an alternate universe and it nearly brings me to tears thinking that we could be living in one where we would have simply never met. What if I’ d never randomly talked to you? We never exchanged a word, our mouths never sealed shut together, I never held your hand tightly while walking on the street. You never made me overflow with lust for you and we never made each other laugh or cry. In this universe, I’m nothing special but you’re still the most divine existence I have ever laid my eyes on. From my dream, I awoke, and you were still holding me in your hands. My sweet little alien from another land. You carry no secrets, and your voice is from another dimension. And even though time is a reality, your love isn’t.  It can’t be.

Because when you look at me with that raw infatuated look, I melt. I see sparks. When you call my name, I collapse. And when I think of how much I love you, I can barely breathe. With you, it finally feels like I’m swimming in a sea of tranquility.

And I promise, I will remember everything. Your smell, your smile, your paintings. Your small room with a discreet smell of vanilla and how you sleep on the opposite side of the bed. Our morning coffee. And our afternoon beer. And that weird fruit pizza only us perverts like to order. Your records, your books, our intertwined bodies in my bed peacefully sleeping. For this moment and forever.

I’ll always look back on how you made me want to be a better person and laugh again. The way you listen to me when I rant on and on about my stupid theories how we should make a change in this unfair, mad world, despite the fact that I can get pretty tiring at times. Your face shining with happiness when I gave you that record you’d been searching for ages. How your hands still caressed my back even if you were extremely tired and half asleep. How you offered me all you had and I gave you all that was left of me.

I don’t know yet if you’ll turn out to be a blessing or lesson, maybe this is just my stupid fears getting in the middle. But I cannot even describe how much of a blessing you feel like,or how amazingly better everything is with you. It drives me crazy that I can even love someone this much.

I will always cherish how you love me. You flipped my life upside down and lit fireworks inside me. You flipped my life completely upside down, and now I don’t need anything more. Oxygen even seems overrated when you are by my side. Thank you for seeing right through me, and teaching me that love shouldn’t have to feel insecure and utterly uncertain, but make you feel as if you can’t even stay grounded anymore because that’s just how you make me feel. And you know, it’s pretty special to find someone with whom you can share your hopes and dreams, but it’s also extremely amazing to just lay perfectly still with someone and peacefully enjoy silence. To really be intimate.

I finish my cigarette and decide to head outside, absorbed in my own thoughts. You join me and say something about a single star that there’s on the sky, and how it’s not really a star, but a satellite. Funny, how the only thing visible to us connected to the rest of the sky, is fake. The color of the wild blue yonder is now a dark blue, and the moon lights up the moment where you gently kiss me on the cheek and put your arms around me to take me back inside so I don’t get a cold from the freezing atmosphere.

This is all I’ve ever wanted.