Never satisfied with this world

I love how the stars shine through my window every night. The sky makes me feel as if I could wander far, far away, even for a moment’s pass. I shut my eyelids tightly, and suddenly, I’m soaking in starlight. I swear, that inside my head, I’m finally floating, I’ve finally been set free. Even if it’s only in my head.

I’m only seventeen, but lately, it feels as if I’ve gotten all old and wrinkled.  I spend my days worrying, like every human being does, fitting in human nature’s pattern for as long as I can.  But oh dear, I’m getting more than weary of the indescribable pain that is reality — at least the way I view it. I was always fond of solitude, as well, looking for loneliness even in my sleep.

You know, I have this dream that I’m in a building, and suddenly I notice that I’m surrounded by the ocean, and I start running, and I don’t really know why, but oh my, do I wish  could run endlessly through the deep blue.

If there’s one thing that always swept me off my feet, it was the unknown.

For many, the unknown ultimately affects their common sense and well being. Constantly linked with fear, unwanted change, and of course, the most unbearable weight for a human being — losing control. Or coming face to face with something more prodigious than what we are made of. I guess that the unknown is indeed extremely tricky to enter, and that’s why people settle for what they know and continuously go back to it. Lets face it; It’s easier to return to the past than entering an unexplored, brand new reality.

However, to me, the unknown has a totally different meaning. I think I’m mesmerised by it, if not obsessed with it. For my entire existence so far, I’ve never managed to stay completely static or unaltered. I may have everything I need, but I somehow always want more. I’ve always demanded more from the sunset, and sadly, nothing fills me permanently. That’s why my heart always aches for new adventures. I constantly dream of stranger worlds, the ones we don’t know where they will lead us, and the moment I close my eyelids I can’t help but think of everything I do not have a single clue about. From places and people on Earth, to an infinite universe and the strange creatures of it.

I was never someone that  cared enough to plan ahead, because, in the end of the day,  the unknown is unavoidable . Terrifying how we could get hit by a car tomorrow and not know that this day will be our very last walk upon the Earth. But, on the other hand, death is inevitable, and when you spend your life worrying about it, every second will be torture. Some things are better left unknown, after all.

You know how people love to plan every little detail, and suddenly, life gets in the middle and nothing goes as expected. That’s why I stopped doing it. Some say I’m moody and unexpected, or even untrustworthy, but so is life. And as it seems, I can never go with the flow.

I’ve only met a single person with a mind alike mine in my life, but, as much as I hate to admit it, we were too much alike for them to stay in it. So, as you can probably imagine, I became aghast by it. Having somebody other than myself floating through space, and needing to escape reality more than I had become used to. I remember, we’d talk about how we’d become so separated by the real world, living in ours for months. And I wish I was exaggerating, for we were both utterly, entirely, and unconditionally, lost in our dreams. So I’m guessing you understand, the collision between  people like us, is truly inescapable, because the balance that human connection demands, simply doesn’t exist. And even if they’d been the only who understood, it was too much; You can’t share the sun after all.

If nothing else, it’s hard for people like us out there. When you don’t easily, if not at all, settle for what you know, you’ll walk through life with a lot of suffering on your shoulders.

Even so, I would never let go of the terrifying charm of the unknown.
I love it too much to stop entering it.

I know I’ll never sleep safe and sound, and that the sadness I carry inside me will last, and I’ll never be satisfied with the world as we know it. But I know that my dark brown eyes will always sparkle in the midnight sun, and I’ll keep singing on my rooftop while staring at the stars, and feel happy, at least temporarily. I won’t ever care about reaching permanent happiness, because no matter how hard we wish for it, it will never exist. And no matter the impeccable sadness or joy the universe might have in stock, I’m certain I’ll never not be able to find even the tiniest escape to my very own world.

The only thing I will wish for, is being full one day. Some may call greedy, a young King Midas even.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams. And I will never stop swimming through the universe.
Even if it’s only in my head.