In life, we tend to come across people who pronounce themselves “emotionally dead” all the time. You, yourself too might turn out to completely shut down your emotions or even believing that you’ve reached a point where you just don’t have any. Now, everything seems like a routine. All the little things that used to bring you joy, now barely touch you. And no one seems worthy enough of your precious time or worthy enough to open your soul in front of them. These days, everything seems like lesser versions of what you’ve already felt.
And now, sitting on the kitchen counter at 2 a.m., you can’t help but wonder; Is it really possible to become completely emotionally numb? Is it possible for your skin to never crack and your sadness to never overtake you? You see, when you start living in that perfect little shell of yours, where nothing reaches you anymore and everything seems distant, and you’ve managed to build your own world in there, just the way you like it, it’s really hard not to be happy, right?
Well, when you’ve lived your whole life with every emotion possible rushing through your veins, it’s really hard to go back. And there is nothing more painful than knowing you just can’t feel anything the same way you used to. Who could blame you, though? We all start off by giving pieces of ourselves to people who don’t even deserve them in the first place, or giving up our own needs to fulfill those of the ones we once loved, only to be walking over our own messes in the end.
The way I see it, loving leaves you lonely. And sometimes, when you love someone, you tend to forget and sideline everything else. So, when they finally leave, all that’s left is a marooned version of all the things you used to be able to be, give, or transmogrify into. And I’m not putting all the blame in human connection here; there are certain situations that life has almost forced you to withstand that end up absolutely fucking you up. And as time passes, you seek for a way to stop the hurt and the constant despair, so you consciously fail to become attached to anyone and you intentionally grow apart from the ones who care about you. In the end, you just come to terms with the fact that you are no longer capable of feeling.
And now, you find yourself becoming so far back from this world, just standing there observing everyone else and seeing just stupid little fuckers willing to give their mind and soul just for the sake of love. You then start thinking more highly of yourself, as if you’re not meant for this world. As if your “gift” to not have any sort of emotional attachment makes you become destined for greater things – like a kind of consolation. You never let go anymore, do you?
You find it irrational to move out of that stupid comfort zone of yours and give people who really deserve it a chance, or even start to savor the delight that’s called life. But that’s exactly your problem. You’ve come to a point where you also lack the ability to see all of that. You fear letting people in, and you become so overwhelmed in your own melancholy and damaged state of mind that the only thing you can do is to allow yourself to get lost and float at moments.
Baby, you’re a living mess. You might try to fool others and yourself that you have certainly become this paralyzed, torpid individual, but deep down only you know what you’re really going through. And the only thing you’re able to understand for now, is that you constantly discover how much you’re able to feel both nothing and everything at the same time. How easily you might crumble into a million pieces when you hear that one song, even though you had a blank stare on your face for the whole day. How effortlessly you find yourself missing someone you once loved, and resisting the urge to call purely because that would mean caring. And even the thought of showing even the slightest sign of affection towards someone makes your stomach turn, but you still lusted over that stranger who sat next to you at the bus stop.
But maybe sometimes dismissing yourself of all these restrictions you’ve set is worth it. And I surely can’t promise that hurt won’t reach you ever again, but maybe sometimes, even being hurt is worth it. Just having the unique, pure, and humane ability to activate every chemical possible in your brain, and experience life running wild through it means that you’re strong enough to race through everything.
And always keep in mind; Happiness is just a word, it doesn’t exist, just like constant sadness. Life is full of little, special moments meant to make your head explode out of joy, or without omission break your heart, and, at times, all you can do is only to accept it. Life is too short to stay immobile and lethargic through it. And what I am able to promise, is that, once you accept its ups and downs, only then you will truly become unchained.