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The door slams behind your back (doesn’t matter by whom) and you’re out in the street, alone again. Hurt, devastated but, mostly, alone. It stings your heart and blurs your sight. You’re feeling numb and wondering why the world hasn’t stopped turning.

Fast forward to six months later. You’re doing fine. Your life begins to seem orderly again, you’ve found your long lost smile, your friends and the small things that used to make you happy before the earthquake have recaptured your interest. And maybe a new lover has found their way into your heart. So, actually, you’re more than fine; you’re grrreat.

You’re over your heartbreak, you’re over your ex and, most importantly, you’re over your moments together – both the ones you got around to live and the ones that were never realized. You say it and you believe it. But is it really true?

Νo, it isn’t in fact; not unless you pass THE test.

The test is sneaky. Devious. It may come up at any moment, triggered by the silliest of reasons; a forgotten T-Shirt you happen to stumble upon, when you’re cleaning the depths of your closet, a song played on the radio you happened to turn on while you’re driving, or a nickname your current lover used, having no idea it has been uttered by someone else before.

This silly reason gets you thinking or, maybe, even feeling a little something – that’s okay, so far these reactions are normal. Nothing to see here. But, then, you take it to the next level and ask yourself the dreadful question which consists of a single word. Why?

And then, it all depends on the answer you mentally give. If it’s something along the lines of “who the fuck cares, this shit is over”, then we’re good. You’re really free. Keep on cleaning, driving, or smiling to your present significant other.

But if this wasn’t your answer and your mind lingered and began to analyze again the reasons that you ended up picking your heart’s pieces in a street alley, then, Houston, we got a problem.

Because “why” is a nasty little bitch, with many things lurking under its three letters.  The one that is paramount is the need to know that’s hidden behind it – for things that are definitely put to rest there’s no such need. Try reminiscing about other past experiences, are you so eager to know about their why’s? Nope, I didn’t think so. Because we only tend to seek answers to questions we truly care about – never seen you trying to find out exactly why your fingernails grow with inexplicably fast rate.

Apart from that, another ugly thing buried beneath that seemingly innocent need of yours is hope. Hope that, if you discover the reasons of your breakup, something might change – now or in the future. Whether you like it or not, you’re looking for something like a secret doorway to a new path for you two, where you will not repeat the same mistakes, hence the ending will be quite different.

And there’s also a hint of guilt there – which wouldn’t be present, had you made your peace with your own behavior, seen your own missteps and moved on.

So, you still have the need to know and this is inextricably linked to a feeling. I don’t care whether it’s  smidgeons of love, hatred or sadness, it’s something that still lingers there – in your heart, that is. And lingering feelings can only mean one thing; you’re still not completely over what happened.

The key to actually getting over a traumatic past experience lies in one thing; acceptance. After analyzing everything among friends and tissues, you simply accept what happened along with another couple of things; that you two will never end up together, that on and offs mostly work out for Hollywood movie stars and Ross and Rachel, but not in real life, that you broke up for one or more good reasons and that this is for the best.

You might also have to accept other things, a lot more hurtful, such as the fact that someone you loved doesn’t want you in their lives any more, for whatever reason, or the fact that feelings have dried out and the passion you once thought of being invincible is now gone.

I’m not saying all these are easy – but that’s why we take our time after a breakup. Not only to mourn and put our pieces together, but to learn from our mistakes and accept the ending. And, trust me when I say, only if you really accept that it’s final, you’re over it.

And only when you’ve accepted it, the “why” that once in a while pops in your head goes away as fast as it came, for its answer is simply “it doesn’t matter anymore, it’s done now”.

Author: Petra Lane

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