Goodbye my lover

I’m not angry. No, I can’t say that I’m angry, only a little bit, in the tiniest amount. And that is the fundamental problem. If I was just angry, I’d be fully sure that one day I will be able to calm down. But I’m not… and that’s how I know that this thing won’t go away that easily. You know what am I? Disappointed. And by far, it’s the one thing you can’t shake away.

I’m disappointed of the way you handled things, for the things that you said, for your behavior towards me. And the fact that you have the smarts and the ability to understand many things in this world and life, disappoints me even more. As the days go by, I’m just trying to think about what on earth happened, what caused all this neverending shit storm. Still, up to this day I can’t find a straight answer; or at least, a suitable one.

Don’t bother. Don’t even bother, thinking that you made the effort to explain what happened. I’ve told you many times, I’ve heard many excuses in my life – I wasn’t in the need for additional ones. Yet, this is what you gave me. Plenty of excuses and a heavy weight to carry all by myself. A weight that if I’m not careful, will sink me into a place that I no longer have the desire to dip my toes in. And even if I do, I will face a version of myself that I don’t know how to save afterwards. I’m only grateful for whatever strength is still there inside me to keep me out of this – it most of all keeps me in touch with my feelings.

Once, I was driven to face my most dreaded fear of all; the numbness. I won’t allow the weight, or even the thought of you, make me empty again, with nothing to give back to anybody. If it takes a fight, I will fight with everything I’ve got – but I refuse to face demons for your sake.

I think that this is it. In everyone’s life, there is freaking line of accepting and dealing with any type of bullshit. This is mine. But before I go, this is all I have to say to you.

I loved you. And I still love you with all my heart. But it’s never going to be enough for you. Even if I give you the best version of myself, you’ll still point your finger at me, pinpointing that I’m doing something wrong. Oh, and the negative things that I have and make you upset? They are my best assets – the only negative thing they show is how insecure you can be. But guess what, I was okay with that. I was always able to love your flaws; you were the one who couldn’t accept me for who I am.

I just gave you what I had and who I could be in all of my splendor. What you gave me is a mess, “feelings” one step away from “maybe” and endless, unanswered questions. Thanks. Now, I know that you will never be able to acknowledge anything emotionally healthy or even respect anything good that comes into your life. You only respect mistreatment, mind games and anything that is nasty. I am neither of these things – and I’ll never be. Maybe this is the problem, my love.

All I know, is that I wanted to give you the world. All you did, is to cut me, as sharp as a knife, for even trying to do so. Go. I can’t keep you, I never could. You already did so, without the slightest courtesy or respect for all the years we’ve known each other. Go; and I’ll make sure that one day, I won’t be sad that my absence from your life doesn’t seem to affect you. After all, if that was actually the case you’d still be here.

Just go – but don’t keep telling yourself the lie that you did all that so that you can’t hurt me anymore. Now it is clear that the only person you thought about in this whole story, is yourself. You just assumed that I will naturally follow your footsteps wherever they lead us – how foolish and wrong of you.

Go, and be careful. Even if I care about you, one thing is certain now; it will never be enough.