Clean up your messes before you move on

“Focus on the present” they say, we hear it but how many of us are we actually paying attention to it anyway? Sounds simple, a bit pseudo-philosophical… well, it isn’t actually, until the moment your past knocks on your door, ready to eat you alive.

Have you done your homework? Have you faced it yet, or were you so quick to get past it and move forward? Well, let me tell you this. If you haven’t dealt with it, especially with your relationships, it will always be there for you to face it. You might think you got over it, but then something happens that reminds you of it and you totally flip out of nowhere and start to lose it.

Whether it is an obnoxious friend, a crazy relative or a problematic ex of yours you will never be able to move forward unless you clean up your messes with all of them. I repeat, never. One thing that most people forget is the fact that after a painful event, every single one of us need time to comprehend, analyze and get in terms with the new condition that was brought to us. Unless we are all robots and we haven’t yet discovered it (not), time is one of the most useful tools we got (or invented…). The other one is patience; yeah, we need that one too. Because besides understanding what happened, we need patience for the times we feel like we want to hit our heads against the wall when being upset with someone. We need patience to accept that this situation has actually happened to us- we also need it when we get tired of watching ourselves feeling sad, overwhelmed and disappointed.

Yet, few people go through this whole process of staring at the problem; fear, denial and a sense of control get in the way and boy, they create the illusion that everything is okay within. I’m not saying I don’t believe you… but let me warn you. You’re okay, for now- because I’m going to ask again. Have you done your homework?

Everything is okay till the point when you meet someone new. A new friend, a new potential lover. At the beginning the chances of something bad to happen are close to the minimum. And the months pass, and you are all so excited about one relationship that really seems great in your life.

Reality check: we don’t live on pink cloud nine. Therefore I must say to you this: either a problem will arise that was similar to your past before. Either a circumstance will remind you of the person that hurt you the most. Either the other person will come to realize that you’re not really there in the relationship (either friendly or intimate) because you seem to be so guarded and mistrustful. What are you going to say to them, that everything is fine? That’s one way of looking into it.

Let me pose another question. What are you going to tell to yourself, especially now? You might be able to fool your own face for a long-term period, but not the other person standing in front of you. You might be asking why. Because for whatever reason, your behavior towards them is unclear and for reasons that don’t really have to know in the first place. But now, it is necessary for them to know because you made it evident that something from your past (usually unresolved) doesn’t let you to move forward.

They might be understanding and even have no problem having you in their life- but as you might have guessed, one way or another you are now required even more to stare the problem in the face and deal with it. Because when we talk about fairness and respect towards the other person, it’s not fair for them to become victims of your own unsolved issues. If that is not a good reason for you, then think that it’s not even fair to you.

Clean up your messes before you move on towards your future. Because one way or another, they will come back for you… till the time you decide to tell them to go to hell, sincerely.