She didn’t sleep last night. After endless hours, her eyes were still wide open. Maybe days had gone by – she wouldn’t have noticed. Sitting on the floor at the centre of her living room, she was staring at the wall. If her mind hadn’t crashed, she would have been –in the least– freaked out by the silence in her empty apartment. But her mind was gone, her thoughts had gone numb, and her life seemed to have stopped at that moment.
Questions like “how was that possible” and “what if it was just a medical mistake”, had crossed and left her mind in quick succession but the truth remained. The truth was obvious, harsh, and naked wight in front of her. She would never lie to herself, so she wouldn’t hide from the truth now. She got up and faced the problem; she was pregnant.
And she was already calling this a mistake. Not only was she young, but she was a student in college, a soon-to-be graduate with all her life ahead of her and every intention to travel, to love, to live it in its full. And there they were, the chains that would keep her from doing all she was looking forward to – she was trapped from a life growing inside her.
A month ago she felt in love, excited with life, satisfied with herself. She was confident that she was holding her future in her own hands, and she enjoyed carelessly every single moment.
And now she had ruined everything. Maybe if she wasn’t alone she wouldn’t feel that way. Maybe if he believed in her, in “them”, she would consider this as a gift, like most people do.
He claimed he adored her; they spent days in her house, all over one another. . They were closer than ever to each other. Sheets burning from their passion, endless conversations over wine – wasn’t that happiness? Weren’t those moments “love”? Wasn’t there “love” in the first place? Was it possible that those feelings disappeared in a blink of an eye?
Where might he be now? He hung up the phone. He didn’t even make a comment. She called him as soon as she found out – of course she was nervous– and she just blurted all out. The bastard. That son of a bitch. He had just left her. She wasn’t sure if she preferred to make a fool out of him, to expose him and ruin his name or to completely ignore him and make him feel invisible. However, he wasn’t the freaking issue. That life in her tummy was.
Was he more scared than her? No… How could that be…
Is killing a child even a choice? Is there a dilemma of whose life are you going to choose?
She wanted to finish her studies, find herself a dream job, and make her life for herself. She wanted to get a career and a life she would control over and feel proud about. Pride was another issue. At that moment, she felt that if she kept that baby she would end up anything but proud of herself. She would be stigmatized, and the dark cloud of her sinful youth would always loom over her. Her baby might grow up to feel secure, loved, and proud to have a strong and independent mother. It wasn’t a lie that she would win every battle to protect and give everything for her own blood. However, she would always carry the fear that when the child would be clever enough to understand what had happened to they would feel ashamed of her. They would want to search for an unworthy father. What was she going to do then?
On the other hand, if she decided not to have it, the guilt would haunt her for the rest of her life. It would possibly affect her relationship with her children or her future husband. She would feel remorse every time she would look at them but also when she would meet women unable to have children.
And all this because they weren’t careful enough. All this because she had kept her ears shut to rational thoughts. All this because she would stupidly trust pretty much everyone who seemed to worship her.
Now, with him gone, the choice was hers, and hers alone, and she needed all the strength in the world to clear her head and make the right decision.
Author: Sophia Stellatou
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