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Aren’t you tired of new beginnings?

Every time you break up, every time something goes wrong with a job, with a friend, with life in general, all you ever say is “time for a fresh start.” And if you’re over a certain age, you must have said that a lot. So, your in house devil’s advocate, yours truly, is here to ask you something you haven’t dared ask yourself yet.

Why is it always your fault? Isn’t it, perhaps, time to stop shooting your own feet and start thinking that maybe you actually did some things right? And I dare say, maybe, just maybe, you need to keep fighting the good fight.

I understand this is difficult to grasp, especially after being fired or, even more, after a painful break up. I don’t even want to think about what happens in the case of a long term relationship that was terminated, or if your own business closes down for various unnamed reasons. It is a human inclination to think, unless you are an insufferable cynic and narcissist, that it was, most of all, your fault.

Perhaps it is also a trademark of the times we live in, as there is this idea of personal responsibility in everything we do, despite the fact that there are systemic forces in place that do not allow us to do as we wish.

But I won’t get political; instead I will explain as simply as possible. So, your partner breaks up with you, because they want something else, something you cannot offer. This makes you reevaluate everything you have done so far in your life – including life choices and your value as human being and partner.

However, what you offer might be completely acceptable and valid, I would dare say precious, for some other person you might meet two years down the road.

Are there any guarantees that you will meet that person though, that you will fall madly in love, or that this said new person is available and not, say, trapped in a marriage with two children, a house in the suburbs and financial stability (see what I did there…)?

No, there is no such thing as soul mates, there is no such thing as a perfect couple, a perfect job, a perfect life. We make our own choices, we make our decisions – we build our own paradise.

But when other people are involved, this personal responsibility is shared. And when one wants to go –or when someone kicks you out of that paradise, in many cases– it is not your fault, unless you sabotaged the whole thing yourself.

Coming to terms with rejection, a lost job, a divorce, takes courage and patience. It takes a great amount of wisdom to not have problems in your next relationship or professional life. Unfortunately, most of that wisdom tends to come empirically.

But blaming yourself will only hold you back, stuck deep in things that are long dead or unresponsive.

You deserve better.

Or you don’t.

It’s not always your fault, and it’s about time you stopped living your life around one person, one job, one certain situation.

It’s time to find out what you’re really made of.

Author: Michael Poe

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