My fear drove you away

I am still here. I still breathe but my breath catches in my throat because, something, a part of me, is missing. You. I let my fear drive you away before I even really had you. Our catalyst, my destruction.

You were not the kind of guy I usually took interest in; not by far. I don’t mean physically, or your looks, which are objectively average. You do have a hot body – I’ll give you that. And though you may lack the height of a Basketball star, your muscled body, your rock hard abs and biceps, in combination with those piercing hazel eyes of yours… it was enough to make a girl’s heart skip a beat.

Average looks, though, made no difference; I was captured by you from the very beginning. From those first words you spoke to me – in that deep sexy voice – and the look you gave me from head to toe. I instantly wanted you to become mine. I was already plotting on how I would catch you in my web, tangle you up until you were mine.

I did not know then what my ploy would ultimate cost me.

I started to get to know you; we hung out casually. At first everything was going as planned. I knew you were into me by the way you reacted around me even if you played it all cool. I was so sure of myself – that I could get you were I wanted you and have do you my every bidding.

How wrong I was – oh, how very wrong!

You were untamed, and I wanted to tame you so badly. But I didn’t know that in the beginning. If I had known I would never have tried to have any kind of relationship with you. You were exactly the opposite of what I was looking for, of what I could handle, and of what I have learnt to go on with.

And that scared me. Scared me to hell and back.

I wanted someone sweet, quiet; who I could have control over. You were nothing like that. Headstrong and stubborn as hell; always wanting to get your way as I did. Too social for me to handle – having girls drool all over you each step you took – not only due to your looks but due to the way you carried yourself; it was impossible not to notice you – and you seemed to enjoy being flirtatious and friendly with everyone.

Untamed. No one could have full control over you. You may sometimes let them believe they do, but you always have the upper hand. I was terrified of that. I couldn’t fathom that I would be in love with a guy like that; ever.And that is why I fell so hard for you; you barged into my life so unexpectantly, so confidently, like you owned the place.

And you did own it, along with my heart. I never admitted these feelings, especially to you. I always hid behind words and innuendo so that I wouldn’t let you in. My gravest mistake.

I lost you without a fight.

I let the fear eat me alive, from the inside out. How I regret this! My fear got the best of me. And I should have never let that happen.

I had signs from you that you were willing to make compromises, that you would be faithful, you would stand by me like I wanted you to. And you did, even if we didn’t really have anything of substance. You really had let me in, let me have some control over you.

The fear was burning up my insides, though, and never had it let me really see what you did for me, what you showed me, and how you wanted to help me get over my insecurities.

Now it’s too late. Or so it seems. You grew tired of being the only one trying. You could have let go long ago but you didn’t; you gave all you got. And I – stupid me – didn’t do anything to stop you from letting go.

Now I came in terms with my fears. Now I am ready to claim you as mine, ready to battle my every instinct to stand by you as you did for me. To show you that I can and I will.

My fears, my greatest enemy; I finally banished them. And I hope it’s not too late for us.