If I never love again

It’s been long, too long. Or not long enough maybe. I cannot decide which of the two. At times I feel like it was in another lifetime, that I was born again that day, but not whole. And others … seconds tick by but it’s like the hands of the clock aren’t moving; I am stuck in that moment. Is it the end, or the beginning?

The end of my previous life, the beginning of my new one.

I can’t comprehend how we came to this. How this outcome came to pass – I never expected it. I don’t know, maybe you did, or I did deep inside, but never wanted to admit it. Everything is crystal clear and a mess in my mind simultaneously.

A dream, an ecstatic dream from which I woke up violently. I was torn. I still am.

The signs where there, leading towards the end of the path, fingers pointing and showing towards the light, the end of the tunnel. But I only found darkness. Darkness and only darkness. Not the bittersweet black of a starless night, which is beautiful even if not bathed in light, but pitch black like an abyss.

And I have to live with her now. I have to embrace the darkness, become her friend, and accept her as my only companion to the days that are to come.

I am unable to.

I am constantly searching, seeking the light of a star or the moon to show me the way, how to move on, and be done with the past. But it haunts me. It terrifies me.

You can’t get me I know, to you I may look like an insane woman, with madness wrapped all around her. But my clarity is intact.

So let me explain. I was madly in love, helpless to his charms, and ready to do his every bidding. Armor at hand, ready to go to extreme lengths, travel to the underworld of my life just to give him the paradise he so badly craved.

And I did. I dove to the deepest waters, suffocation knocking on my door, but I didn’t stop. I dove even deeper, to the bottom. To make him happy. To give him bliss, ready to lose myself in the process but never did I care; not a damn bit. He was my world. I wanted to become his.

That was my fault.

I should have never allowed myself to go to such lengths, put him first. Because he didn’t do it for me. I don’t accuse him of being cold-hearted and cruel. I deserved some of the things that came up to a point. I was hard enough to get. From the very start everything was a game to me, but not for him.

And then I fell, hard. Fully in love. A second changed everything. I worked my way into his life again, and he let me. He let go of the past, turned the page, and started a new future with me as the leading star in it.

But karma, fate, God, or I don’t know who didn’t want to let us be together, ever.

Everything was against us, we fought against it but in the end, we couldn’t take the upper hand over the cruelest demons in our lives. We gave up. He did.

I didn’t. I don’t think I will ever give up on him for real. I did let him go, though, but only from my life. His name is still engraved on my very soul. He was the one.

What if I never love again?

Years have now passed. I came to terms with my demons, my darkness. I came to love them, adore them even. They hold a little piece of him inside them. They have become my flesh and bone.

Everyone says, that I will get over it, I will love again. But I know better. There is no question of this sort. I may feel something for someone again, but never love. This was the end for me. I will never love again.

I am in a relationship now. Happy even. But still not whole. He will always be my missing part, the darkest spot in my life. And I loved again. No, not my current lover – or anyone else that was before or is to come – no never my lover; I just feel safe and happy in his arms but not blissful and whole. I loved the darkness -him- and it shall be my companion to the end of my days. Only it and him.

I will never love again.