I killed a part of me to become free of you

An unexpected move. A choice in the spur of the moment …

The echo from the sea and the sound of the waves that hit the rocks, like a lullaby in my ears lulling me into a daydream state. I was watching the stars and saw your face clear as day in the depths of the night, overlooking the vast ocean with your thoughts swirling in my mind.

But my true companion was another. Maybe because of the cold, or the gentle breeze which was playing with my hair like a small child and cooling my wet body and pushing me into an embrace; the embrace of someone who wasn’t you.

Foreign hands travelled up and down my body, in another’s arms I laid to heat up my frozen flesh. Different hands – hands that felt souless and alien to me –  caressed my body, making it heat up as if caught in flames.

But my soul remained cold, frozen and left behind reminiscing a past with no tomorrow. I woke up violently from my daydreaming.

Heated wet lips brushed mine, the lips of another; not yours.  A snugness filled my whole body -burning my flesh– trying to go deeper, into the depths of my frozen soul but it couldn’t reach my heart. It remained cold –unmoved and unmoving– like an iceberg that threatened to cut with its sharp edge the gentle flame that travelled through my body.

An invisible barrier, never letting another penetrate the peaceful state of my withered heart.

For a moment I was all alone. Tears threatened to fill my eyes and flood my whole being. Tears which wanted to become one with the endless sea, with the water that was caressing my toes trying to ease the pain of my soul, close the open wounds you left in my heart.

I was angry with myself. This wasn’t a time for tears and remorse. I had a choice to make. Give my body the satisfaction of a night full of pleasure and tear out my heart in the process, or deny the bliss of lovemaking and leave my heart well hidden in its impenetrable shell?

I preferred the first. It was time to try to move on; even like this.

I would leave the tears for later. When alone in my bed I would be able to let them loose, without shame, to mourn for my lost love. I only allowed a tear to slip past my lashes, wet my cheeks and be the witness to that moment, in which I gave my body, freely, to another man; I let it run down my cheek, into my soul to try and soften the bleeding wounds you left.

I forced my mind to leave every image of you in the past, push away every memory of you. This moment belonged to me; only me. It was a small step towards my salvation, to becoming free of your spell and the trap your eyes set for me when our glances first met.

A lost battle; I knew it from the very start. But I fought, with my whole being against my very soul. The pleasure besotted my feelings for a moment or two. A gentle numbness travelled through my body; salvaging. Salvaging but only for that moment. Only so long as my new experience lasted, my try of becoming free of you.

Your image threatened to take over my mind again; in every move, every caress. The sound of your voice battling against the noises that the two connected bodies were making, trying to take the leading hand over the pleasure. I fought it, I fought you. Against my most harsh demons. The moment belonged to me; only me.

I did it. I did something only for me, I gave my aching soul a bid of balsam, even if for a moment, like a painkiller overshadows the pain only to let it take over again in the next turn.

I laid again in that foreign embrace, my body shivering craving peace after the tiring yet pleasurable games of the bodies. The sun started to rise up ahead in the horizon. Colours of every sort, peculiar and bright were playing their own game with the ocean, giving and taking back in return their own caresses as the dawn unfolded. The stars started to fade, along with your image, that now started to show in the bright colours of the morning sun.

The two bodies now satisfied and satiated, cuddled but minds running wild in their own universe, lost in thought.

I adored that dawn and hated you for not being with me such a beautiful sight. For letting another man accompany me and share with me that blissful dawn after loving my body with such passion.

I returned home. I was ready to mourn for another lost fight. I finally released the tears to soak my bedsheets and unburden my soul.

A testament from my soul, on this lifeless sheet of paper, for you and me alike to remember how we came at this. The last act in our own play.