I drove all night to get to you

The clock on my desk ticks. 8:15.

I always liked those old-fashioned, round clocks. The wooden ones with the glass faces that reflect the light. The ones on which you can watch time pass. It’s comforting to see those hands move second by second, minute by minute. You can actually see the future coming. The seconds, the minutes, the hours from when I last saw you fading into the past and each one passing and bringing our reunion closer.

I could bust the goddamn thing to pieces right now. I curse it in my mind. I curse time and distance.

You’re hours away from me. What time is it there? Is it the same time? I was never good with calculating the time; it never meant anything to me, you know that. How many days has it been? How many weeks? How many more are left till you come home? How long until I see you again and I’m wrapped in your arms? What’s the weather like? It’s cold here. There’s a chill in the air. My body feels frozen. It’s not that cold I suppose. It’s just cold without you here. And the chill goes all the way down to my bones, piercing me through and through.

So far from me, so far from our bed. I occupy it alone now, for the moment, for tonight and for more nights than I wish to count. I turn to look at it behind me. It awaits me, too huge and too cold without you in it. Too empty. I stare at it and it’s as if it’s mocking me. I don’t long for it. I don’t want to crawl into bed on another night without you. I don’t want to hold your pillow in my arms, close to my face, and smell the scent of your hair on it, nor do I want to trick myself into sleep thinking that the warmth of the comforter wrapped around me is the warmth of your arms. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow morning just to reach out and feel nothing next to me.

We just talked. I just said good night to you. You said that you love me and I answered that I miss you. Your last phrase “I wish you were here.” lingers in the air as I hang up. I sit unmoving, my heart pounding in my chest, my whole body frozen and shaking. I can’t breathe. I can’t stand it anymore. Not one more night, not one more minute.

My body aches for you touch. My mouth aches for your kiss. The air around me seems as if it is suffocating me, choking me, and the only way I could breathe easy again is stealing breath from your lips. The only way to warm my frozen body is with your touch. The only way to feel whole again is wrapped around you.

There is no thought in my mind but your face as I get into my car. I feel nothing but the way your fingertips feel on my skin. I don’t listen to the music playing in the background; I only hear your voice echoing in my mind.

“I wish you were here.”

The need to be close to you overruns logic and rationality.  I’m not even thinking. I’m not considering a single thing. I don’t care if I’m being too unpredictable or spontaneous. I don’t give a shit about anything but seeing you, touching you, holding you close to me. Miles and miles of road behind me, so much more in front of me. Distance means nothing to me. I’ve stopped counting. I’ve stopped calculating. I need to feel you. And that need surpasses the importance of anything else. I’d dare anyone to try to stop me.

Not gods, nor demons, could keep me away from you tonight. No threat on this earth, no promise, could contain me or make me stay put so far from your arms. Desire has become need, as if simply wanting you as much as I do is not enough, my will to be patient and understanding crumbles by the second and disappears with each mile Ι put behind me.

No distance can keep you away from someone you want so much.
No distance is significant enough to keep me away from you tonight.

My mind divided between you and the road, I see signs and billboards with the corner of my eye, and barely notice as other cars in the other lanes zip past me. There is no such thing as fear in me as I step on the gas, as I push the limits of being pulled over for speeding. I already know what I’d say.

I need to be near him. Now. An hour ago. Yesterday. 

As I walk through the door and into the bedroom, the sun begins creeping up and light is barely slipping through the curtains. You’re fast asleep. And, just being in your presence my heart calmed, my shaking stopped, and I could finally breathe. As if you knew, you turn and look up at me as I sit at the edge of the bed. As if you expected me, you pull me close and kiss me. “You drove all night?” 

Yes, I drove all night. Just to be close to you.