tonia200616

Well, we did our performance and our dance is over now. It was a spectacular show, wasn’t it?

I remember we were happy once. It was during the time I began to get to know you better and I can now see what was awakened inside me and made me dance to your rules and play the games you wanted; it was hope, and a little kind of love, I think.

I was patient enough to wait for your response. I gave you my all and I was expected you to appreciate me; I unconditionally was there for you. Like in every performance, we started by learning each other, we had our ups and downs, and when it came to its end, our paths were separated with one of us being hurt; and in our dance this one was me.

And even if it was some time ago, I am still mad at you; I’m still angry because you made me feel transparent just when I had found my colors. Because you could have been my everything and you treated me like I was nothing. You achieved in convincing me that it was my fault you didn’t want me the way I wanted you and you made me feel like I was not good enough.

I remember everything I was trying to forget for months and at the same time I recognize I owe you many thanks because all these made me the person I became today. I remember me comparing myself to the other girls who were treated nicely by their loved ones, who had their support, respect, kindness and caring. I bring to my mind the people you paid attention to –such as your friends and family– and all the kind, sweet words you knew how to speak to them.

It was only me –the unworthy person– who couldn’t make you feel that I also deserved this kind of care and love then?

I turn back to all my unanswered messages and calls, to your indifference to listen to me and to your defenses when you knew I was right but you didn’t want to admit it; it was easier for you to hurt me instead of at least trying to feel my pain or understand me. It was simpler to get angry and keep yourself dogmatic in your opinions instead of considering mine too. And it was simply  not as complicated to stay in your own routine and safety.

But, you know, I don’t blame you anymore. I have come to terms with the fact that what I offered and what I had to offer was too much for what you had to give back; you were not ready for all these gifts. You did not want me to unconditionally love you because you were already full and fine with your secure life.

Otherwise you could have seen, you could have felt that I only wanted a few things; fewer than you could ever imagine. I didn’t want to belong to you, I just wanted to be there for you. Nor did I want big and impressive words; I only needed some real ones. I wouldn’t have cared if they were good or bad, I would have been okay if they were just honest. I didn’t ask you to be mine or to belong to me; I only was asking you for a small place in your heart. I was just craving for you to let me be there without continuous comings and goings. And the irony was that you couldn’t even dare to imagine how precious little I was asking for.

I think that the moment everything changed was when I realized I deserved so much better; it was the time I finally let myself free.

I now have rejected the impression you once instilled in me that I was not good enough; I have come to terms with the fact that you were the one who didn’t deserve me and what I had to offer is for someone who will truly realise what I’m worth; it will be for someone who will not be afraid to shout it out to the world and show how much he loves; to reciprocate the love I have to give.

It will be for the one who will make me realize how wrongly I have been treated. It will be until the moment he walks into my life and demolishes all the wrongs that were built there in the past.

I believe that I will get what I deserve in love when I find the right one.

I just realize that person was never you.

Author: Tonia Pirtsi

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