Sex has nothing to do with timing

It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about your first relationship or your 101^st, if it’s not your first thought, it’s one of your first: When is it the right time to have sex with this person? Do you just dive in and do it right away, to get it out of the way and see if you “click”, or do you hold out and plan it all to perfection? Do you put a deadline on it? Or do you just do it when it feels right for both of you?

It is quite the question and since it is (even secretly) one we all ask ourselves when we begin a new romance, we decided to put it to a vote this week here at Pillowfights. We’ve never quite found a suitable answer for it on our own, maybe collectively we can come to a satisfying conclusion. Then again, maybe not. Let’s see, shall we?

As we are adults, living in 2017, and not teenagers in 1950 rural America, none of our readers voted that the best time to have sex with a new partner is after a couple of months, when we’re sure that our new romance isn’t in it only for sex. Yup, sure, make sure that he wants you for your mind and not your looks while you’re at it too before you take anything off. And boys, hold off until you know that she’s not with you just for your wallet and ride. Oh, and don’t forget to be certain that he respects you as well. Come on! Seriously?! First off, if you can last a couple of months in close contact with a person you’re interested in, without sex, then maybe you should take a minute and think about how much you really want this person. Just saying…

On the opposite side, there are those who think that the sooner you have sex with a new partner, the better. Rip off that band-aid. Get rid of the elephant in the room. Get it done and move on. See if there’s chemistry between two of you on a physical level. Well, I guess that’s how 11% of our voters think anyway. I will give you this much; sex is a major factor in any relationship. If the sex is good, it’s easy to overcome certain obstacles of smaller meaning. If it’s not, well, usually that’s a problem. But there’s no use in rushing it. Pushing something to happen before its time or jumping into a situation we haven’t yet processed is not advisable in any case.

You like this person, yes. There’s attraction –obviously– or else we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. There’s no shame, though, in showing some minor self control and letting steam build up. Why have mediocre sex just because you’re in a hurry to have it, instead of playing a bit, building up tension and watching passionate firecrackers go off when it comes on its own? Again, just saying…

So, okay, don’t take it too slow and don’t rush it. What then? This is where the Third Date Rule comes into play. 22% follow it. Now, I’m not sure exactly where I heard about this little rule, which movie or show or book it was in, when it first caught my attention, but I can say is that it did and it got me thinking. What if you have two excellent dates and everything is perfect to seal the deal at the end of a second? Do you cut him off, leaving him hanging, totally bummed out, just to give an impression you’d much rather rip to shreds with him? Do you hold out, even if it means fighting your own urges and potentially missing some great shagging? Something about that sounds stupid. Then again, what if your dating is somewhat “non-traditional”? What if you usually go out with friends and are alone only at the end of the night? Does that actually count as a date? And what if you don’t feel comfortable at the end of that third encounter? Do you just jump into it anyway and hope for the best? That doesn’t make sense either.

You know what does make sense, though? Having sex when you feel like it’s the right time. 67% of our readers see it that way at least. And to be completely honest, I’m with them. There is no sense in planning all the details. Contemplating the ifs, ands and buts, the hows, whens and wheres,  just chip away at the fun.

So when is it the right time? Well, darling, that’s the easy part; sex has nothing to do with timing. The right time to put this whole subject to bed ­–pun, as always, totally intended– is when all the little bells and fireworks start going off inside you. When all you can think, all your mind is screaming, is “I want you here and now.” There’s your green light.

A very smart guy once told me that having sex after it’s been carefully planned –when, where, how it will happen– is like eating reheated food; you’ve already wasted the first taste, lived the thrill of it all in your mind, and all the spontaneity and passion is gone when it finally does happen. If sex becomes just another rationally scheduled act, reactions mapped out to the last second, then it ceases to hold any appeal. With all the thought and contemplation, that raw desire, drive and momentum is lost. Take it as it comes, do as you feel when you feel it, and when you want to fuck, fuck thinking about it and do it. Or something along those lines anyway; I was too busy thinking about the when, where and how of it all to take his advice. In hindsight, he was right.

There is no right time to have sex with someone new. Nor is there a right place or a right way for it to happen. Each first is unique and that’s the beauty in firsts. That’s what makes our hearts skip beats, our palms sweat and our knees shake. That’s about the only great thing about a new beginning with a new person; the thrill of the unknown. And if you have it in your mind, scheduled, planning it out to the final detail, it misses out on its best parts. Also, you’ll most likely be royally disappointed. Karma laughs in the faces of those who make plans; things will never play out as you expect –or want– them to.

So leave the battle strategies and planning aside, live the moment and let your body do all the thinking for you.