First dates from hell

Now, I’m not the type of person who enjoys first dates. They suck; plain and simple and I never quite got what all the enthusiasm was about. I find them extremely pressuring and nerve-wrecking and I doubt you ever get a real read on anyone on your first date with them. Most of the time it’s all about pretences and making an impression; an impression of the person you desire to show to someone you hardly know, on someone that doesn’t know two shits about you. 

To be fair, the fact that they know nothing about you doesn’t necessarily mean that they do not want to find out either. But it’s the way we all act on the first tête-à-tête encounter with someone that I find ridiculous. All the preparations, going all out on an outing that you probably won’t ever repeat (not because things won’t work out, but because it’s not really your style of a place to go) and all because you want to get the chance to meet this person.

I just don’t get it. Why all the fuss? I mean, if a second, third, fourth date (and sex) were guaranteed would you go to the trouble? I’ll get coffee on a first date just to see if he’ll remember how I take it on the second; and there and then know if there will ever be a third. But that’s me anyway, and I’m a weirdo, so whatever.

Girls, full hair removal done? Did you not eat from the night before your date so you can have a flat tummy in a dress that is so freaking uncomfortable you want to rip it off you? Did you cover up all those little imperfections on your skin and the black circles under your eyes? Did you find the purse that matches those shoes and the right shad of lipstick? Or no lipstick just in case he decides to kiss you? Did you take enough cash just in case the whole thing goes to hell and you need to high-tail your ass out of there pronto? 

Guys, how about you? Sure, you don’t have all that work to do concerning your image – a shower, a bit of trimming for the beard, some deodorant, a splash of cologne, a nice outfit and you’re basically ready. Your “first date worries” involve other things. Have you got enough money on you just in case she decides she wants desert? Because, it of course is expected of you to pay for everything regardless if she tries to pull out her wallet to chip in her half. Any one that says otherwise is full of shit. Even if she offers to go Dutch on the date, it will be considered bad form if you let her. Savoir vivre, being a gentleman and correct conduct requires it if you ever want to get into her pants. Shit, did you get condoms just in case things go really well?

Taking a look at the results from Pillowfights’ poll this week, guys, your worries are in vain because your financial status and your taste in wine, or alcohol in general, won’t be under scrutiny. That because a mere 15% of our readers would choose to spend their first date at a fancy restaurant. A relief in this day and age I must say. Who has the money for a high end bistro or restaurant, anyway?

And it doesn’t look like you’ll be pulling an all-nighter either. So, less spent.  Because 0% –yes, no one– said that they’d prefer their first date to be at a bar or at a club. Makes sense. The whole point is to get to know this new person, to get personal info on them from their own mouth and see if the two of you are compatible for more. So, what’s the point if you can’t hear a damn word they’re saying?

Speaking of getting to know someone new, there is always our riskier bunch who like to live their lives on the edge. 22% this time; who voted for a home-cooked meal on their first date. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that those who voted for this option are mainly the ones who believe that “love is in food”. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love cooking and I would totally enjoy being cooked for; but not on the first date darling. Yes, there is an optimal amount of privacy given in someone’s home and you get to really crack open their personality when you have a look around their personal space but that’s just it. Personal space. How do you know that this new person is not some sort of lunatic? Or that they won’t stalk you under your house if things don’t work out for you? And are you also most certainly positive that you want to open up to them that much –so as to basically give away the personal details that can be derived from every little object in your house? Sorry, but I really can’t find anything redeeming about any of it.

Last, but most definitely not least, we have our romantic souls. 73% of our readers said that the ideal first date for them would be a romantic walk on the beach. Okay, let’s take it as a given for a moment that you live in an area with a beach close enough to spend your first date on. Great idea. It’s a sure thing that it will be quiet enough to talk, and if you take the stroll holding hands and have a sunset in the background, it will be Hollywood magic. If you’re into that sort of thing. But come on, doesn’t all that talking make you both hungry and thirsty? And please, don’t tell me that’s how you start the date out. Struggling to walk in the sand, water splashing on your clothes if there are even small waves, and listening to someone next to you speaking and not across from you. Better idea in theory, but in practice?

Bottom line is to know your audience. Which is hard on the first date. But then again, maybe it’s the perfect opportunity for your first communication test. Because, obviously, you can tell a lot about a person –or about the image they want to project– from where they suggest your first date takes place.