Jealousy is a sign of insecurity

Is jealousy a measure of how valuable a relationship is to a person; to a couple? In many books and films, we have all read and seen cases where one of the partners feels unloved because the other is not jealous of them, even in situations which should cause jealousy.

But books and films are fiction, and are there to entertain us. Life is another thing all together. Life and experience have demonstrated that jealousy is a feeling born from insecurity and fear, and therefore in my opinion it cannot guarantee love in a relationship.

Some people say “a little jealousy is okay for a healthy relationship’. Perhaps that is because every human being is insecure in some way, so he or she is expected to feel jealous at some point in their lives. I cannot disagree with that. But where lay the boundaries between “a little jealousy” and the green plague that can cause incredible pain and can devour any relationship?

There are none, I believe. Once this negative feeling starts eating away at our confidence, it is not easy to deal with it, unless of course we acknowledge it as a “virus” and are determined to put an end to it.

In almost all relationships, where jealousy has put down roots, the partner who is more insecure, is also the more jealous one. So jealousy is really about you, the victim of jealousy, not your partner. Insecure people tend to feel threatened by whatever the other party is involved in, their job, their friends, their hobbies. When we love somebody we need to be in the centre of his or her world – but that is impossible in every day life. So all the activities that make up somebody’s existence can become an object of jealousy for the insecure partner.

What can people do about jealousy since it is such a sinister emotion?

First and foremost we should redirect the attention we focus on somebody else –our lover, in this case– to ourselves. We must start doing something fun like a hobby or a sport, or learning something new, or making new friends.

We can also talk to our partner about our feelings. Simply by getting things off our chest and allowing some fresh air in, we will change our internal experience significantly. What’s more, our partner may also offer some reassurance and his or her attention to our problem can start the healing process. He or she can also calm our fear or anger and reinforce the good things about our relationship.

Let’s not forget that jealousy is very often driven by low-self esteem. Many of the people I know for whom jealousy has become an obsession, have a very high opinion of their boyfriend or girlfriend and a very low one of themselves. I have constantly heard them wonder how their partner could ever love them. They cannot accept that they are attractive and of course are ready to believe that they will lose their lover to somebody more beautiful or intelligent than them.

There is no doubt that there are smarter, prettier, more handsome, funnier, more athletic, younger and richer people in the world. We can do nothing about that. People love other people for the unique and special, sometimes indefinable, qualities they have. Some of us eat grapefruit for breakfast instead of bacon and eggs, and we seem to enjoy it!

Some others believe that the women Picasso painted, like in “Girl Before A Mirror” or the “Seated Woman” are among the most beautiful creatures in the world. And how about the “Mona Lisa”? What is so special about it and make thousands of tourists from all over the world visit the Louvre just to take a glance at it?

Of course it is always possible to lose the one we love. Being constantly jealous and making our partner’s life hell won’t prevent that from happening if it is meant to happen. People are not objects to be guarded and locked in safes. To love someone means to also be prepared to lose them. I am not mad. That’s how things are. Anger, fear and jealousy will only drive our partners out sooner.

And if our partner is unfaithful to us, we shouldn’t put up with it for long. It is not as much our problem as it is theirs, as well. We must talk about the situation with them and if that doesn’t change things for the better, the healthiest alternative is to leave them behind forever. Making somebody believe that our whole life is built around them is the least attractive situation that can ever exist.

So, it all boils down to self-confidence, imagination and creativity. The opinion others have about us is the reflection of the opinion we have about ourselves. So what’s the point of wasting valuable time with feeling jealous? We should instead improve ourselves mentally, spiritually and physically.

And then who will dare resist our charm?