You taught me how to live without you

Remember the day we broke up? Well, I do pretty well actually because it was my birthday, you know. And you showed up late as always with that “I did nothing wrong” attitude on. You showed up and you thought that this was enough for me. You spent the night playing it cool, and talking on your phone all the time. You were not paying any attention to me, when everyone else did.  Because, I was the birthday girl -god damn it.  I guess that this was just another day that you were with me, without actually being there.

Nothing unusual. Nothing I wasn’t used to. But, at that exact moment, I don’t know why, I felt that I had enough. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. So, I shouted, at the top of my lungs, in a room crowded with our friends, that I was leaving you. And you didn’t even blink. You didn’t try to change my mind, you didn’t look hurt or anything. You were just standing there petrified with a puzzled look on your face, because that was so not typical of me. And even more because it was something you didn’t expect I would ever have the power to do.

Ever since that day, my friends and family have been trying to comfort me. They have been keeping me company in turns every day. They advise me to forget you and to let go. I am sick of hearing that I must move on. But, I am amused at the same time. It seems so funny that people think I am sad about you going. They must think that Ι simply suffer in silence and I will eventually break down.

But, you know what? This is not going to happen. Never. To tell you the truth, I don’t even feel sad. I don’t miss anything that has to do with you. I don’t want you back in my life and I don’t miss you at all. And I think we both know why. Because there is nothing to miss since I never had you in the first place. Because, you have never really been here, since you were elsewhere, even when you were sitting next to me.

Remember when you always weren’t there for me when I needed you the most? After that huge fight with my parents, you had to work late. And that dreadful day when I lost my previous job, you were not feeling well and had to stay at your mom’s. I can count so many days, so many absences. I don’t know how you did it, but it seems that you always disappeared when I desperately needed you by my side. I wanted you to be there but you had better things to do, I guess. All those important things that mattered to you more than I did. So, you let me down. Every single time.

It is kind of scary to think that I couldn’t care less for you. That don’t have feelings for you anymore.  Because, I loved you. But, a constant absence is all that I got from you in return. Your absence is the only real memory I have from you. Sadly my dear, by ignoring me when I needed you the most, you made me see things more clearly. Your absence toughened me and made me stronger. It showed me that I can make it without you. It made me see that a love counted more in absences than presences is born to die. And that I definitely didn’t need anything doomed to fail in my life.

So, it seems stupid to me now how I used to want you with me in every little moment of my life. So damn stupid that I thought I couldn’t breathe without you. Silly, but true, I used to think that I wouldn’t able to live without you. But thankfully, all those countless times you weren’t there for me you taught me how to live without you.