You beat me once again

Tonight, I feel like the whole world isn’t enough to hold me. I want to escape from my own life. To run away from all this nightmare of living without you. I want to hide away from the pain of losing you one more time. But, there is no place for me to go since you have disappeared. Again.

So, I just keep on running.

Unanswered questions fill my head and unearned tears wet my eyes. Why did you even come back the other night if you were just going to go away again first thing in the morning? Why do you return so many times only to leave me again and again?

Why do I let you back into my life? I don’t know. I am not sure.

Is love supposed to be a game of cat and mouse? Does it have to be so painful? Why aren’t you here now that I miss you so much? It hurts that you are not mine anymore and that confuses me.  I can’t get it, you know. When all things around me seem to be so ephemeral, how come my feelings for you never fade? How can my love never dry up?

My strong passion for you has conquered my body one more time tonight. I wonder the streets like a captive of my own feelings. To find you, to see you one more time. I know that still loving you is a huge mistake, but I desperately need to feel your touch on my skin. And I don’t really care if it is only for a night. It doesn’t matter if I have to lose you once more in the morning. This incurable love I feel for you commands every move and every decision I make. So, I search for you in the crowd, even though I know that it is so wrong to carry you in me everywhere I go. I know that I am only pouring salt on old wounds, but there is no way to let everything behind me.

And God knows I have struggled with everything I had to end this stupid game of ours. I have tried to make it all go away. Fought my heart’s desires and my mind’s orders to forget you. I have tried to stop my mind from running through what we use to have. From going back to all those memories of our precious love. I have tried so hard to stop thinking of you. To get lost in the faceless crowd. But, I still can’t hide from myself. I can’t fight the loneliness anymore and I feel my heart bleeding inside my chest.

The game goes on and on…And I keep on losing. Because your eyes still haunt all my thoughts. Because I am eternally addicted to your smile. And because I am still madly and deeply in love with you.  So, I am always ready and in for a rematch with you. Every single time I find the strength to do that. Hoping that I can be the winner just for once. Not to see you defeated, but only to win you back.  But when each match ends, the words you say to me tear me into pieces, the hope you have given me dies away and you victoriously walk away still holding my life in your hands as your prize.

I guess tonight is one of those nights. I have just seen you in our favorite bar, holding someone else in your arms. It was a crushing defeat for me. You have just won once again and I still want to shout to you that I am willing to play that game again and again, because as you already know the love I have for you never dies. But, something holds me back this time.

I am so tired of being a loser…
I am so tired of losing you…
So, I give up.
Game over…