Tonight I have no sleep. It doesn’t come to me to redeem me. It doesn’t come so as I can at least dream of being someone or somewhere else. Inside my tired mind, his closure wanders. Inside my broken heart dwells an unbearable burden; burden that he, and the others before him, have left on my soul. All my lost loves, all my unfortunate choices.
Do not be fooled, every lost love takes its toll on you. It leaves something behind. Pain and a sense of loss, in the beginning. A shadow on your heart in the end. Every breakup is a small death, they say. Well, it is the death of many dreams and hopes that come with every new beginning and die when it finally ends. The same thing happens with almost every lost or unfulfilled love story that comes your way.
If you have experienced something that painful at least one time in your life, you will probably understand. And if this has happened to you more than once, then you will surely feel, deep in your heart, the echo of the pain I am talking about.
Before falling in love for the first time, my heart used to be pure and innocent. It was so clear and light. I remember that it used to beat hard whenever I stumbled upon a poem or love song; a romantic novel or movie. I used to sit for hours daydreaming of meeting my one and only. And I was sure that I would live with him happily ever after.
A lot of goodbyes later, my heart beats slower and feels a lot heavier. This poor heart of mine! So many times hurt and healed. So many times broken and mended. Because all love stories might not be identical and might not have the same impact on your life; but they all weigh on you.
Because, when a love story ends, all the love we have felt does not disappear. It actually keeps on dwelling in our hearts. And since a lost love cannot kill us, life continues. Everything looks the same after a while. It is just that we feel heavier. Since every person that you get to love, finds a secret key to your heart and opens it. They then magically plant emotions there and create feelings and memories that are there to haunt you for many years later. If they ever go, that is. You see, strong emotions and old memories from the past stay with us and put up a strong resistance to being forgotten
Even if your sweetheart eventually walks out of your life, those things stay in your heart like an unseen burden that you have to carry around. In order to remember and be wiser next time.
It is the price that you have to pay for letting them slip into your heart in the first place without any precautions.
And it is that burden that is supposed to keep you more down-to-earth every time you fall in love all over again. It’s there to make you more hesitant, cautious and suspicious towards your new lover. Even when it is not needed and you should run to them with your arms and heart wide open.
Sometimes it does hold you back, sometimes not.
Eventually, if your love is lost once again the burden on your heart still becomes heavier. Only if you forever stay with the first person you have ever loved or the one you have loved the most, your soul feels lighter. You feel like you are flying.
Or else you wonder, every single time, after another broken heart “Will he be the last one; the last burden that I will have to carry?”
Well, tonight I already feel my heart heavy with pain. The pain he gave me, the pain all lost loves gave me. And above all the pain that I gave myself by letting them in –and then out of my life.
Author: Sofia Argyriadou
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