It was one of those weeks you thought would never end. You get home after yet another tiresome, hellish day and you realize that all you want to do is crawl onto your couch, get the T.V. playing, pour a glass of wine and just sit there; all alone, all by yourself. That’s all you need. Being alone seems like the best choice for this Friday night; you don’t feel lonely, you just want to be on your own.
It could be the events of the week that led you to do that; deadlines that were impossible for you to meet, people running around in frenzy, tough conversations you should have had a long time ago.
Yeah, that was it. A hard, uncomfortable conversation, where you mainly listened and gathered information as to what the other person thought of you; harsh and offensive vocabulary rushing out their mouth like vomit, causing you nausea. Maybe, it wasn’t just a person; maybe it was the one you called your person and they got you all wrong.
You had your fair share of mistakes; of course you did. But you can’t seem to recall how the whole situation got so out of hand and led the two of you to the point of no return. You’d said and done things beyond the threshold of logic and sanity, you sent them to hell and got them back. You know that. But you were supposed to be fine, better than ever and then this happened.
You realize that nothing is fine; they just waited for the right time to bring you down using the best way they knew how — attack you using every single one of your insecurities against you.
It makes you wonder. Why? If they felt that way, how couldn’t you see? You are not that person they are describing; they are just trying to hurt you. The more you loved them the more they hated you and the more you tried to hold on to them and show them you care. They believed you for a second and declared their pure, eternal love at night and changed their mind at the first beam of light.
You wanted to be patient, to bring all of those good qualities of yours into the relationship to make them see. And you did; even if just for a fragment of a second you got them to see how they overreacted and it was perhaps the best few hours the two of you had spent together. It got your hopes up, got you thinking that maybe your persistence had finally paid off.
No, it hadn’t; not after all. Isn’t that why you are sitting all by yourself on a Friday night wondering what’s wrong with you, feeling that no one will ever love you? Why is it you feel the need to get involved in messed up situations?
You see yourself as some kind of savior that will bring salvation to their souls and will make them love you for doing so. Now, you are extremely aware of the fact that that’s not how the world goes. The moment they no longer need you, they’ll leave, pinning everything on you.
You feel a drop falling on your hand and you realize you are crying.
Something breaks within you. Maybe it’s time for you to stop being the sweet person you are, the kind and understanding one. Maybe it’s time for you to become the kind of person everyone is afraid of, yet secretly admires; the one who accepts no excuses and won’t give any.
You’ve rescued friends and lovers, but who’s going to rescue you? Where are they now? They went on living their lives and you got left behind once more. No more, though.
As of tonight, you will put the nice, helpful, willing person to bed and wake that other version of you up; the strong one, the ruthless, the one who no longer cares for everyone, the one they will have to fight constantly for if they want you in their lives.
Tonight is the night you decide to take revenge for every little thing you were deprived of because of your good nature. Tonight is the night you close one chapter and you move on to the next one; tonight is the night you shut your heart down.
Author: Georgia Efstratiou
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