It’s a matter of two souls that belong together; two people so troubled and burnt that they could be with no one else, because no one else would understand them the way they understand each other. Yet, they have their fights and arguments precisely because they are burnt and troubled and when you try to take care of someone’s wounds, their first reaction is to attack out of fear that you might hurt them.
It’s a matter of you and me, you see. You’ve come to be the person I turn to just because. I miss you, I want to hear your voice, you have a way of soothing me and calming me down; you have a way of making me feel that everything is going to be okay even when at times that we both know it won’t.
I wouldn’t mind not speaking to another human being in my life again, if that meant that I would get to spend my life with you; kind of crazy, I know. You are like a drug for me. You lift me up high.
The only times I feel well and alive are the ones I spend with you; talking, fooling around, doing things. The only times I feel okay are the ones when you miss me too and you want me to be part of your life. The rest of the time just passes by. I do things, but I don’t really care. It’s more a matter of physically just being, rather than living.
Did you know that when you are not there, and when we are not okay, I can’t sleep or eat or even drink a glass of water? Did you know that since we broke up I scream in my sleep and wake up sweating at night? Did you know I feel I’ve lost my mind and I just can’t feel happy or even satisfied with whatever I do? Did you know that I have never felt this way before and that I feel embarrassed to admit it because I am at a certain age where I should be able to have control over my feelings?
You don’t know; you don’t have the slightest idea of how I feel for you. You think I was just looking for someone to share the stress of the day with and be fine. No, that’s not true. If that was the case I would have moved on so easily, but look at me.
The only times I feel okay are the ones when you are around. Even at times when all we did was fight I felt much better than this. And you said it once, remember? “It’s us! We will find another reason to fight again and we will keep fighting”. Now you don’t even want to know me and I live through our conversations.
I recall everything again and again; all of the nice moments we had together. You look at me but you don’t see me anymore. You used to read right through my every word; not anymore. Now, it’s just blank accusations, irony and words that are knives to the heart.
It’s not who you are. I know you. I am not fine without you. I can’t seem to be able to find the will and hope to do anything without you; for a while maybe thinking in my insanity that by doing things I might win you back, but then you remind me yet once more that we are over. You avoid me and everything is lost again.
All of my self-respect and dignity they just disappear and I find myself screaming and crying because you no longer want me to be part of your life. You treat me like I’m a stranger.
And all I want to tell you is that the only times that I am okay are the ones I spend with you.