You know, it’s that moment in life; the one you open your eyes wide and see how everything came crumbling down right before your eyes but you didn’t case to do anything about it. It was the day you decided to not just see, but observe what had happened, what you’d become. The worst part is that you were totally sober; not a single sip of whisky, nothing. That makes the pain and uneasiness you feet hurt even more. You can’t stand yourself or being in your skin; you feel disgusted by you.
You have pushed all your friends aside, your family, you want no one. The one person who could stand and love you, the one person who could make everything go away, left because they couldn’t stand your bullshit anymore and you go on living in the mess you created all by yourself.
All you had to do was speak up, shout, do something, but not shut down. What did you get out of it now? Your whole life, your entire happiness and well-being depends on a certain someone who’s too tired to even care about you now. They run for the hills after your last self-destructive act.
There has been something bothering you for a long time now. The injustice done to your face, the underestimation towards you and your achievements, the feeling of inadequacy, the fear you constantly felt for no obvious reason; too little to succeed as anything in this life.
And then someone saw you and believed in you; you knew, they told you so, so you started pushing to show how strong and independent and powerful you were; yeah, right. You pushed where you shouldn’t have and let alone the things you should have worked on.
What about now, then? What about today? What about all of these feelings you have inside? Two conflicting sentiments; you are about to explode, yet at the same time you feel dead inside. You don’t know where to start, you don’t know how to make things right.
There is only one name playing in your mind again and again. You have to make things right with him first and then you will work through the rest. But you need him there, mainly because right now he is the only reason that keeps you going and without him your life seems close to trash.
He’s the one who saw you at your worst and pushed you to get better, he’s the one you love and adore and admire, yet you make him hurt time and time again. Seeing you like that is killing him; he probably hates you by now and he might think you are a lunatic set out to hurt him.
No, no, no. Step back. Approach this differently. Show him you care, don’t let your fear guide you. Express what you feel, act your age, act how you used to; politely, with respect, with love. That’s what he loved about you remember? Your kind nature, your down-to-earth character. Look at you now.
You want no one but him and he wants anyone but you. He’s your whole world and life, act like it. Show him. Make him see it, feel it. Give him something to hold on to and move on with you.
Stop crying yourself to sleep and screaming at him. Stop telling him what he does to you and start doing to him. Action and reaction; that’s how life works. You give shit, you will receive shit. You give love, you will receive love; simple as that.
You woke up and realized how you screwed everything up and left yourself all alone with no will for anything. Now it’s time to start taking baby steps and fix things; time to tell them how you feel and stick to your words, back them up.
Take a step back, give him his space, call your friends and apologize. Talk to your family straight. Be fair, breathe, take deep breaths and let yourself relax and believe that everything will be alright again. You and him will be alright, you will both be alright and the whole world will feel right again.