Fighting my ego to win you

How did this happen and how did I get here? I let you slip right out of my hands just because I couldn’t get myself to admit I was wrong and you were right. You are gone and I know you might be the one for me; I want you in my life so badly, yet I won’t let myself ask for forgiveness. I am fighting against me; against my selfish ego and all the mistakes that led you to doubt me and finally leave me.

I didn’t want to let you into my life that much or get so attached; but I already feel way too attached. It feels like you took a part of me with you the day you left. All the good memories come rushing in and the problem is that they are not just memories. It’s that I want to have more of those and I want to have them with you.

I screwed up big time. It’s mainly on me and that nasty, evil, stubborn alter ego of mine. I freaked out, I panicked and I built huge walls to keep you out of even the most basic of things. Lie over lie and now I am asking for trust; yeah, that same trust that I ruined with stupid, meaningless actions. I was so attracted to you that I tried to make you go away and spare my heart the pain of a potential, future break-up.

Yet, my heart is already broken and there’s no one to blame but me. Of course you got mad and said things out of anger, but it was my actions that caused you to react. Every action has its own reaction; shouting at me and offending me was yours. I had the most perfect partner I could ever imagine and I turned you into a doubtful, mean and careless person.

I got all that I ever wanted and managed to destroy the whole thing all by myself; no third person to pin this on, no miscommunication, nothing.

Now, I have to find the guts to just come and beg for forgiveness. I have to tell you how sorry I am for making you go through hell for me. I have to explain myself and what made me act like that. I need to open up to you and tell you that I put your love into test to see how much you care.

You said you are not going anywhere and the more you said it, the more I made it my goal to prove you wrong, to satisfy my ego and confirm all of my beliefs. You pointed out the things that bothered you the most and it was like you were asking me to go on and do every single one of them.

So, I lied, I made fun of you, I ignored you and you were still there. I should have known to stop right there and then, but I didn’t. You’d forgiven me everything, but you’d already broken inside and all of your negative feelings emerged.

Even then, I was too stubborn and selfish to accept the fact that all of that was my fault. I tried to pin it all on you and your reactions. I, somehow, wanted you to take the blame for everything. I needed you to, to satisfy my ego and make me feel better for what I did and that pissed you even more.

You walked out with your head up and your conscience clear and I was left all exposed and shameful. That’s the worst part of it all. I was acutely aware of how terribly I had behaved towards you, when all you wanted was for me to let you love me.

It’s time for me to take responsibility for my actions. It’s time for me to say it out loud: “I am sorry. Let me prove it”. I have to, I want to, win you back. Life without you is no life at all. All I have to do is say those words and back them up with actions. You are in love with me; you got me to love you. Me; the person who mocked love and romantic relationships. You got me to feel again.

So, I am putting my ego to sleep tonight and then I will come find you.
I am sorry. I love you. I miss you. Give me one chance to show you how much I care.

I know you’ll say yes. I hope you will…