Your actions cause reactions

There come moments in life when you can’t stand yourself and the results of your actions; like the things you’ve done that led other people to distance themselves from you or like your significant other leaving you once and for all because you reached a point where no matter what you did, it seemed suspicious and fake. But you know that you are not that person. You know, not because you believe so, but because everything you’ve done and everything you’ve achieved in your life this far screams so.

Yet, there are moments in life, or even periods of time in life, when you lose yourself; maybe something big and tragic happened to you, maybe you had a realization you couldn’t cope with. No matter what the reason, when the perfect person came into your life, they found you at the exact time where you were acting completely recklessly and now you have to show them, you must show them, who you truly are so as not to lose them, while in the meantime you need to put up with their harsh words and the doors they are closing right into your face.

You know what that is. It is the “why now?!” Why now that they don’t believe in you anymore? Is it because you are losing them and you don’t want to be left alone? Is it because you can’t find anyone better? And you know you must try hard to show them that it is because you actually, really, truly care, because you’ve come to love them.

It was not easy for you to open yourself up to them; you were very suspicious but they were always there, caring for you, listening to you and just like that they had you so fast you couldn’t believe it yourself. And you started enjoying yourself in this whole thing between the two of you; you started flirting with them like a schoolkid, until the huge realisation came. You were falling for them, you were getting too attached and then you panicked and you screwed everything up.

You made your own self the enemy of a perfect relationship. All your fears and anxiety turned against you, but now you are faced with more than that. Now, the person you would die for doesn’t give a care in the world. The person, who once gave their all for you, won’t even raise their little finger – not even if your life depended on that.

You must live with your remorse and your regrets and everything bad you’ve caused. You watch them leave and there is nothing you can do about it. There’s that ugly feeling in your guts, you get sick and cry every single day and night. It is obvious you are going crazy and there is nothing you can do about it.

You know you’ve lost them for good. You know they are not coming back and you must learn to live with that. All the pain you have inside is expressed all over your body and every inch of it hurts. Now what? How do you fight now? Who are you fighting for now?

Was all that insanity in the beginning worth it? Look what you’ve done. Look who’s left all alone, crying and hurting now. You miss them like hell. You pick up the phone and you keep calling, but you know there will be no one at the other end of the line. They are gone; moving on, because they no longer believe you or in you.

Relax, breathe, think. You try to calm yourself down, but it only lasts for a moment before you are back into crying. All the tears you’ve held back, all the pain you feel, all of your negative emotions they just jump and burn your face.

A loss so big you don’t know how to handle. A loss you caused. A loss you didn’t want to have; yet a loss. Now, grieve and learn and pray that maybe they will take their time to think and they will give you that second chance you deserve.