I choke on the first drag on my cigarette; I had forgotten that it’s pure poison. Taking a sip from my drink, I have to admit that someone is not feeling very well tonight. And as alcohol hits that precise vein in my brain that completely awakens me from my long serene hibernation, flashbacks from the past slide right in front of me. The combination of heavy smoke, in combination with the heavy alcohol, play their magic well, as they bring me back instantly to those not long ago blurry nights; memories which I promised I won’t be discussing again.
I suppose some promises as well as vows are just made to be broken. Tonight I don’t care; I will be oblivious like that. For once, I am allowed to. My scars hurt me a little bit too much tonight. It’s been a while ever since the last time I dealt with them. You see, I have been so busy living life that I almost forgot about their very existence.
Unfortunately, they didn’t do me the favor of disappearing forever. Oh how I wish they did. As I take a look at them, I regard of how the whole point of them, is that they will always be there to remind me what I have been through, and I console myself to the pain.
Tonight will be the night where I will be breaking several promises, I suppose. I said that I won’t be writing for him ever, ever again. Neither would I be thinking of him. Bullshit, the truth is I haven’t stopped thinking about him all day today. And the only reason that I am writing this; is to let others know this. I want the world to know that the drop line of ‘happily ever after’ does not occur that often in real life. That sometimes you don’t get to be with the love of your life and that is okay.
I strongly believe that each one of us has a person like that, you know – the one and big love. Tracking down the lane of your flings, flirts, affairs, dates, serious relationships – there is always this particular one that you will never forget, the one that had left an imprint on your heart. Regard yourself to be unbelievably lucky if you still have this person in your life; because similarly to my case it hurts, it hurts a lot to not. Trying to be optimistic about it, at least I had the chance of meeting him, for many people don’t even get to meet the love of their lives.
To the eyes of others, he wasn’t the most handsome; he wasn’t even attractive. But there was and still is something about him, that will always draw me towards him. He possesses this magic power of manipulating me; to his arms I become incredibly weak; I have a hard time of defending myself. Without having to exaggerate, he has been my most painful yet beautiful lesson. He was a drug to me; addictive and fatal. Do you now relate to the consumption of nicotine and alcohol? I somehow had to fill in the gap that he left behind and I take no objections for it. That is how I managed to survive through it.
No matter the years, I shall always remember him with love, always accompanied by a few sighs. I look down at my scars and suddenly I realize of how I bleed – internally. In spite of loving him eternally, I shall never forget of how he is the one who gave me those. And as I gently caress them, I think of how couldn’t be more thankful and regretful at the same time. I sound masochistic I know; but that’s the thing about the love of your life – it’s not that simple to define.
The love of your life does not give you butterflies, no it doesn’t. It plays with your feelings, it fucks up your mind, it sends you gigantic waves to surf through. In other words, it turns you into an unrecognizable psychotic person; altering your character forever. This person has the power of making you the happiest person alive and the next moment, he can take all that happiness away, just like that. Mine just left me stranded and bare feet in a field full of nails and I had to deal it all by myself, excusing the scars I was mentioning beforehand.
Don’t feel sorry for me however, for if I had the chance I would live it all again. I do not regret a moment of it. “What happens if he comes back after all he has done to me?”, you ask. I freaking don’t know, I’m yielding towards the possibility of most likely not accepting him. I may love him – but I have learnt my lesson. I don’t know if I am emotionally strong of experiencing the whole thing twice. That’s why he is called ‘The One’, because you only get a onetime experience with him.
If he’s ever going to come back, I’ll be the one destroying him. And I’m not fierce enough to watch him suffer like he did with me, I will just have to suffer along with him. Therefore, separated is how we are meant to be. Maybe this time, I will go for the outsider. I will give a chance to the one I have never imagined to be myself with, the one who does not attract me. Perhaps this one won’t give me wounds; instead he will grow flowers where the cuts are. Who knows maybe this time, I get to live a normal, happy life. You know, candles, dinners, smoochy situations; all the things that he never gave to me.
I don’t want passion anymore, I have had that. I don’t need lust, I have had that too. It’s okay if it’s not a big love thing – been there, done that.
All I want now is consistency.