With my confidence reaching its peak, I pick a fancy dress to wear and off I’m towards a promising night. I dare to say that it’s been a long time since the last time I felt so good. You can sense it when you are around me, I’m beyond just fine – I’m genuinely happy. Everything has been going well lately, I wake up every morning and this positivity flows up and down my veins, pumping me up for another good day.
But, as they say, you either count the days or you make the days count, right?
I figured what I wanted to be and that is happy; abundance is what I mainly strive for. In order to achieve that mental state, however, firstly you must digest this: what is meant to be, will be. Precisely for that reason, I adopted that carpe diem and all the other cliche bullshit that everybody talks about, but never really pursues. Probably because they never quite understanding the meaning of it.
I’ve been living my life the way I always did, filling up my days with work, meetings with friends, and plenty of road trips. Only this time I added a dust of positive vibes and a huge smile to my face, avoiding to think of certain thoughts. This new routine of mine has unconsciously kept me busy from thinking, waiting, reminiscing with nostalgia. No sir, dark thoughts have been carefully folded into a box and up the attic of my mind.
All these commitments I fully crammed my days with, had a way of actually keeping me distracted from the one thing I wished to avoid – the reason I have been loyally counting days, letting them boringly pass by; instead of seizing them. It was all a cover-up I guess, a mindful game of mine that came to its end. And to be frank, it was about time it ended, I couldn’t stand fooling myself over and over again.
You would think that I would be head over heels, thrilled, very excited indeed to find companionship in my so busy life, a new man to accompany me on my nights out, to send me good morning texts and to actually care about my single being. “It’s alright. Nothing too special.”, I answer to people when asked about this new fling – just a replacement to kill my time, a supplement to my counting of days; to help me forget. In his defense, he helped me pick up the bits and so I gave him a shot and let him in. I trusted him to the point that I found myself holding hands and walking along the beach with this man. A man that I’ve never thought I would be holding hands.
But as the sun was going down and he found the courage within to kiss me for the first time, I struggled when our mouths came so close that his cologne entered my nostrils. I surely didn’t want this and soon enough this blockage wall appeared out of nowhere, before it was too late, pulling myself away. I sincerely don’t know what’s gotten into me, but one thing I know guaranteed; is that I wouldn’t let another man kiss me. Your image was all over the place as if I was committing a crime. Guilty as ever, I just have to confess alas: I don’t want to be kissed by another; I don’t want to be touched by one if it is not you.
Suddenly I remembered why I was over a diary scratching the days off. It all came back to me, in the blizzard of a second.
A second was enough to take me back to where I first started, patiently waiting for you. Don’t get me wrong, even though you are aware of what a drama queen I happen to be. Let me assure you that this is not another heartthrob text about how I feel broken inside. It is a rather a statement, a realistic presentation of how my life has been going on over the past few months, ever since the last time our gazes met.
I absolutely hate myself for calling the poor guy a rebound; it is the truth. I used him just to get over you. As you have realized though, I utterly failed at my task. I figured that I’m only over you because I don’t get to see you. Justifying the wait, now I know that I am not done yet; not just yet. No matter how far I wander, the heart knows what it wants. Perhaps I shall just listen to it for once and do what it commands me to do.
I’m coming to see you. You can tell the world I’m coming to conquer what has always been mine though I’ve let it wander free for way too long…
The queen is coming home to her king, babe.
Author: Marianna Ioannou
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