Waiting for something...

I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life. Yes, you read that right. I’ve reached that point where I am confused regarding everything. And the truth is I don’t like being confused. I must know what’s going on at all times; or to at least have an idea of what is about to happen. That is why I always have the tendency of making plans. It doesn’t matter if the plan is eventually going to take place or not, as long as I have something on my mind to work on while things finally take place.

And now as I’m writing this piece, I am stuck in this labyrinth and I struggle to find the exit; it’s been a while now. There’s no sight of light at the end of the tunnel and as days go by I find myself running out of patience. In order to control myself from doing something stupendous, I designed this table — the so called ‘timetable of patience’. Like a prisoner, at the end of each night I put an Χ on the day which is about to welcome the next dawn. It’s obvious that I am waiting patiently for something to happen. What though?

How long is it going to be till this depressing mood of mine changes? I no longer have the urge to go out. I detest appearing in crowded places since I’m not in the mood to greet acquaintances and pretending to listen to their news.  I see people who I know in the street and immediately I turn my head; who would have imagined that I – a previous social butterfly – would become like this.

Many times within the day, I picture myself living on the top of a mountain in a house with bars so high no one can see me. That scent of a fresh air in combination with the view of the greenish foothills does give me a thrill actually. Let alone that I will be inspired to write all day long without being interrupted. The only people that shall be allowed to enter will be a specific selection of friends and my family of course.

Or perhaps I shall move abroad; a thought that has never abandoned me really. To live in an new city, unknown to me, with people who don’t give a single fuck about the way I look or behave, does sound pretty thrilling to me. From what you can understand, I’m a bit exasperated with people – they are everywhere. Whatever the case, however, I promise I’ll be satisfied, as long as I get out of this situation where I don’t seem to have any progress.

Maybe that’s the problem after all, the fact that I don’t see any progress. And the worst part of it is that it is not up to me anymore for the evolution of the matters that trouble me. Do you know what it feels like to be stuck, waiting day and night for any kind of news to come? It drives me nuts, I have become so obsessed with the idea that my phone is glued to my hands. Every time I hear the sound of my ringtone or a message beep, I run like a gazelle; and to my disappointment it’s never the kind of news that I want.

Every day I try to find distractions to keep my mind busy and stop over thinking. Some days I succeed at it, but the night time is always the worst. It might be the case that I can’t feel my bones from working long hours, but as soon as I lay my head on that pillow, thoughts kick in. A single thought leads to another, and that one leads to another — it’s a never ending circle, so wide and black, as black are the circles under my eyes. By the time I finally manage to rest my muscles, that damned alarm clock starts buzzing like a maniac. And the most irritating part of it all, is that sleep in the morning is as a matter of a fact the best; yet I can’t enjoy it.

A late night thinker and an early morning sleeper – I’m not sure for how long I will be able to continue like this. They say the minute you stop wanting something you get it. But I don’t want to stop wanting the things I want. What’s the point if they are going to arrive after I don’t need them? I want things to happen now, or even more accurately yesterday. I’m running out of patience people, can’t you see?

Everyone keeps advising me on how I should be patient. I try my very best at it; I swear. I choose to be understanding when I am supposed to be all angry at people and destroyed plans. For how long am I supposed to be understanding, I am afraid to ask.